The Slobacy Chapter 5.1: The Massive Slob Manhunt

Chapter 5.1?!

Halfway there people!

Maybe one day I’ll finish this up faster.  Maybe one day I’ll actually have the computer this legacy is on at my own house.  I don’t know.

Moving on

Last chapter, Anna Nicole graduated and moved home, finding her grandmother and mother have not left the yard from where she left them when she went to college as a freshman.

“Hi mom, hi grandma!  Guess what!  I graduated with a degree I can’t remember!  I’ve come to live with you for the rest of my life!  Isn’t that wonderful?!” ~Anna

“How could you have just graduated, you just left!  Gina was still in the middle of paying the bills after you left!” ~Roulette

“Oh mom!  College was everything you told me about!  There were all kinds of things at that dorm!  Mostly horny college boys, and that creepy lunch lady…” ~Anna

“Did you see that llama mascot boy?!  Is he still there?!  Did you know I lost my virginity to that llama?”  ~Gina

“… Um…” ~Anna

In order to avoid any more awkward conversations with her mother, Anna quickly left the house in search of the next slob man to be called her husband.

“But, I don’t need a man.  What I do need is that fine lil’ mamacita in the glasses!” ~Anna

Oh Anna.  No.  I’m running a matriarch, and as much as I hate to change who you want to be, you have to be straight for that to work ._. at least without mods on this computer

“Daaanng, she’s got to be at least a C cup…” ~Anna

“Married.” ~Lucy

Can you stop heart farting over women for ten seconds?!

“Yeah, and then she broke up with me just like that, Aunt Charlotte!  I don’t know what I did wrong besides date 50 other people behind her back!  She doesn’t know about that though, sure, everyone else in the dorm did, but not her!” ~Anna

“Miss?  I don’t think you are even required to use our company phone.” ~Stephen

Wow, photos got bigger all of a sudden, didn’t they!

When she’s not looking for the new slob man, she spends a good chunk of the time at the run down hotel getting her needs back up so she doesn’t have to go home for every little thing.

And a good chunk of the time, Crumplebottom crashes the hotel to tell her that showering is a sin, apparently.

“Scandalous!  Why, back in my day, we didn’t shower because we had poor water, and had to go for months without a bath!  You young people are spoiled!” ~Crumplebottom

I guess back in the day for you was in the 1500s?

“Oh my!  That old lady came busting into my hotel room and came into the bathroom and yelled about my boobs in the shower!” ~Anna

Probably just an excuse to see you naked, Anna.

“And as for YOU!  Don’t pretend I’m not talking to you, I know you are naked too!  Standing on the corner naked as a jay bird, you should be ashamed of yourself!” ~Crumplebottom

Um, Crumplebottom?  That’s a neon sign.

Of course, without mods or whatever, Anna couldn’t sleep on a public lot, and eventually I would get tired of hearing her complain about being sleepy.  So at least once a week, Anna would go home to take a nap in her bed.

Her first night home, however, ended in heartbreak.

“Honey?  Roulette dear?  Wake up, it’s morning sweetheart.” ~Andrew

“…” ~Roulette

“Still asleep I guess.  I thought you were taking your meds that the doctor gave you for your narcolepsy.  Oh well, I guess a few more minutes of sleep won’t kill you.” ~Andrew

Little did Andrew know.

“Alright Roulette, your time has come.  If you can, sleepwalk towards the sound of my voice.” ~Death

“Ok, but let me tell my family first!  Andrew!  Andrew!  Wake up dear, I’m dying now!” ~Roulette

“Zzzz, hmm?  Ok Roulette, let me wake up, I’ll be there in a second.” ~Andrew

“Ahh, what a strange dream.  I drempt that my wife died and there were half naked Bellas running around in the bed room.” ~Andrew

“Daddy!  Wake up!  Mama really is dying!” ~Gina

“R-really?!  …Where are the half naked Bellas?” ~Andrew

“Welcome to the other side, Roulette Collins!  I’m sure you’d be happy to get out of this stink pit, I assume?” ~Death

“Thank you Death.  This is the greatest treatment I have recieved my entire life!” ~Roulette

“Mama!  Nooo!  Don’t leave me alone with these people!” ~Gina

“Wow, it’s still dark outside?  Curse these dark winter months!” ~Andrew

“Woooo!  My stupid sister finally kicked the bucket!  Now I don’t have to listen to her loud mouth anymore!  This is the greatest night of my life!” ~Barnabas

That’s inappriopriate, Barnabas.

“Nooo, mama!  I can’t take care of these fools by myself!  I can barely take care of myself!” ~Gina

“Sigh, this is so boring.  And this sucks.  I’ve only been married to her for two weeks.  Humph.  I wonder if I can cash in the warranty on the ring still.” ~Andrew

Way to have sympathy for your dead wife, Andrew.

“Pah!  Bout time that stupid mortal died!  I was so tired of having to see her mean stupid face everytime I woke up at night.  Good riddence I say!” ~Barnabas

“This is the worst funeral ever!” ~Anna

“Hey, you remember that time I taught you that nursery rhyme?  That was an awesome time, wasn’t it?!” ~Zion

“DAD!  Now’s not the time for that!” ~Anna

Tell me about it, Zion didn’t even do THAT, Barnabas taught the rhymes!

RIP Roulette.  Sorry for the crappy funeral.

Anna tried to clear her mind of her grandmother’s death by going back out into town and going headfirst into a witch’s-HEY WAIT, what the hell is going on here?!

“Hey, I don’t mind you killing off all the roaches, but I really need you to back off of me lady!” ~Joy

After getting kicked in the face by Joy, Anna decided to go skinny dipping in the adult’s section of the playground at Googycoo’s. Sooo glad children don’t come here on free will.

“Wow dude, that looks nasty!  They look like old fried eggs!” ~Anna

“What the crap lady?!” ~Greg

“Mind if I join you dear?” ~Charlotte

“Sure Aunt Charlotte, just set all your clothes over there with mine!” ~Anna

“Oh god this is not what I signed up for.” ~Dock

“Well, I have to go get yelled at by an old lady, I’ll see you later Char-ooh…” ~Anna

“Did I get in the tub at a bad time?” ~Dock

“Ow, my censored parts…” ~Charlotte

Haha, Charlotte got charred-a-lot. bad pun

“First you’re showering, now this!  You can’t even wear a bathing suit you filthy girl!” ~Crumplebottom

“Shove off old lady, I’m a grown woman and if I want to sit naked in a hot tub with some guys, I will!  There’s nothing you can do that’s going to stop me from going over there with Fried Eggs and Sausage over there!” ~Anna

Oh dear.  Why are all the skinny dippers out today?!

“And she was all like ‘why don’t we ever get married, I want a wedding’, and I said, ‘I’m free as a bird lady, you can’t cage me up like that!” ~Ulyss

“Yeah, you’re pretty “free” alright!” ~Anna

“Oh goodness!  They are naked!  I thought Googycoo’s was a family place!” ~Kat

“I know, they just won’t listen to me, they just sit in that sinful machine and let their bits flop around in the jets!” ~Crumplebottom

“Ahh, now this is what I call entertaining.” ~Greg

Oh my, banned4lyfe.

“Well, I guess I’m calling it a day, I’m going to go now before Crumplebuttface finally snaps and ends up setting us all on fire.” ~Anna

“Say hello little Kat Jr!  Say hi to daddy over there!  Yes he is sitting with naked people in the hot tub, I’m really sad too!” ~Kat

“What the-I don’t even KNOW you lady!” ~Greg

“Oh MY!  You’re NAKED!  Cover your eyes Kat Jr!  Don’t you DARE touch my baby, you scandalious woman!  I don’t need my child more scarred than she already is!” ~Kat

“And I see why you are a crazy cat lady…” ~Anna

“Hello?  Aren’t you that desperate bride chick that was part of the SS back in college?  Suddenly interested?!  What… how did you even GET this number?!” ~Anna

“Uh, hello?  Lady? I thought I told you not to come back and touch on our company phone again!” ~Stephen

“I’m tired again.  I know it’s been four hours, but I really need to go back to sleep!” ~Anna

SIGH.  I couldn’t tell you how long I’ve played altogether at this point.  But there has still not been one sign of the new male slob.

“Oh, here I am!” ~New Slob

DAMMIT!  Why are you ALWAYS FEMALE?! *murders*

“Hello and congradulations!  Everyone quailifies for another genie lamp!  Use it wisely, because I don’t hand these out to everyone!” ~Steffi

I can’t tell.

“INTRUDER ALERT, INTRUDER ALERT!” ~Sentrybot

“What the hell?! I wasn’t even doing anything!  I was just walking by the house!” ~Kennedy Cox

“Heh heh, but now I’m going to steal your paper for the pain you just put me through!  Ha ha ha!” ~Kennedy

“PAPER STEALER PAPER STEALER!  DIDN’T LEARN YOUR LESSON THE FIRST TIMEBBBZZZTTT!!” ~Sentrybot

“OK OK!  I’ll stop, I’ll stop!  Please don’t kill me!” ~Kennedy

“Cursed weeds, I’ll get you one of these days-” ~Calista

“INTRUDER, INTRUDER, STEALING PROPERTY, PREPARE TO DIEBZZZZT!” ~Sentrybot

“No, WHAT?!  I’m just the hired hel-ZZZZT!!” ~Calista

“Oh NO!  How long have we had this wall here?” ~Zion

… Not the time for you to be stupid, Zion!

“It’s MAD, I tell ya!  MAD!!” ~Guin

“I’m sorry! Beating on the tv remote doesn’t do anything!  I don’t know how Andrew does it!” ~Zion

“Oh, well would you look at that.  There’s an off button here.” ~Zion

And the genius award goes to you, Zion.

“Well, see you later dad, I’m off to dissappear for weeks at a time!” ~Anna

“Have fun sweetie.  Maybe by the time you get back, I’ll have this thing fixed and ready to work again!” ~Zion

How about we just let Andrew take care of that.

“So, have you seen any poorly dressed men walking around farting in this place?” ~Anna

“No, but you’ve farted at least six times since we started this game of pool.  You’re the closest thing I’ve seen to what you are talking about.” ~Pao

“Dang, I’d like to corner pocket that!” ~Anna

Dammit Anna, stop oogling girls!!

“Looking for this mysterious man is boring!  I haven’t even seen all that many men I’m interested in either!  Can’t I just call Regina up and beg her to take me back already?” ~Anna

“I don’t know this Regina chick, but I’ll take you under my arm any time you want, mon cherie!” ~Count Colby

“Annnnd with that, I’m out of here.” ~Anna

“No please wait, I haven’t had a girlfriend in 300 years, please wait!  I want to bite you!” ~Colby

“Where’s my pepper spray when I need it?!” ~Anna

“MMMF, this spagetti is so delicious… but my hand tastes SO GOOD TOO!  SO CONFLICTING!” ~Anna

“Wow, you don’t find finely crafted sprinkler toys like this anymore!  Well, considering we’ve had two built by my great great grandfather that still work…” ~Anna

“You are right, mon cherie!  These are beautifully crafted toys!” ~Colby

What the crap are you even doing here Colby, all your kids have grown up, you don’t need to be looking at toys!

“Oh my.  You are the first man I’ve seen in a LONG time that’s fine as a porcupine!  Seeing anyone, cute stuff?” ~Anna

“Eeeh, noooo please.  I kinda don’t want any of that after THAT cheesy pickup line.” ~O.L.

Wow, this is the first time I’ve seen O.L. deny any advances from a girl!  I guess he’s upset because Colby jumped him earlier at the hotel?  Stupid stalking vampire.

“Oh come on baby!  You’re sexy, and I’m, well, a woman with needs!” ~Anna

“Well I do appreciate a woman with needs!  Oh yeah baby, that’s what I’m talkin’ about!” ~O.L.

Knew that wasn’t going to last long.

“Hey, if you two are going to be doing that in my shop, please take it out back where no one can see you.  This is a family store.” ~CJ II

“Shove off old man!  I’ll flirt with any one I want in any place I want to flirt with them at!” ~Anna

“Is that chick really freaking out because the owner asked her to leave?” ~Edward

“Yeah, that’s why I’m so attracted to her right now…” ~Colby

Stop being such a stalkery prick, Colby.

“Is this the line to the cash register?” ~Jason

“I guess so, I’ve only been standing here for three hours now.” ~Colby

“Wow, this is a really finely crafted toy.  It would make a great gift for any of my many children.” ~O.L.

I’m glad you seem to be taking an interest in your kids, O.L., but I think you have forgotten that the sun has risen…

“Oh GOD THE SUN BURNS” ~O.L.

“La de la de da, I think I’ll wait until someone rings me up, these toys are SOOOO worth the burning sensation.” ~Colby

“Bloop bloop lil’ fishy, have you happened to see a man anywhere with poor hygiene and no shoes on?” ~Anna

“I’m looking right at him!” ~Fish

“D:<” ~Anna

“Hey Anna!  Guess what!  I survived the sunlight and I got my sprinkler!  It was the greatest investment I have ever made!” ~Colby

“That’s so great for you!” ~Anna

“I know!  So uh, did you know that your neck has 375 pressure points that are only accessible to vampires?” ~Colby

“Yeah, I found my pepper spray by the way.” ~Anna

*UNTOLD AMOUNTS OF TIME LATER*

“I’m so tired of hunting for this mysterious man everyone wants me to marry!  It’s not fair!  I’ve been at this for months now!  I just want to end this neverending cycle of hell!” ~Anna

You think you have it bad, Anna?!  I had been looking on and off for almost a TWO WEEKS.  TWO WEEKS!  For a fricking male slob!  I was just about to boolprop another one into existance!

“Ooooh, a male slob?  Why didn’t you just say so?!” ~Anna

“HELLLLO!  I’m here now!” ~Andrew

What.  The.  Crap.

…

ABOUT FRICKING TIME YOU SHOWED UP YOU #(%@&@(#(@!!!

“Hi, I’m Andrew.  My last name is um… I don’t know…” ~Andrew

“Ew, you are a guy.  I’m soooo turned off to you.” ~Anna

NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO BE PICKY, ANNA!!

“It’s ok, I hate your makeup!  That’s so unattractive!” ~Andrew

“You hate my makeup?  What’s wrong with my makeup?!” ~Anna

Oh goody.  No chemistry whatsoever.  THIS IS JUST WHAT I WANTED

“Let’s play punch you punch me!” ~Anna

“Yay, friendship!!” ~Andrew

Ugh, close enough.

“Daaaang, that Meadow is sure hot has ever though, even with that rich guy smothering her with a pillow!” ~Anna

And with that I end this chapter.  Will Anna and this new Andrew get their crap together and actually fall in love with each other?  Will these sims give me brain death?  Will Colby just die off?  Find out next time!