The Slobacy Chapter 5.3: Les Bébés

Ok, so last time the new slob, Andrew (II), was moved in after finding out that he has a problem with makeup… unless he’s wearing it.  So he and Anna married and not long after conceiving their first child, Barnabas had to go and get knocked up too, stealing the spare heir slot forever.  Unless Andrew dies off any time soon, which doesn’t look like it will happen.

“It’s not fair!  I don’t want to be a parent!  Why did they have to use the chloroform?!  WHY?!” ~Barnabas

Oh stop being a drama queen.  If you just skilled right like you were supposed to, this wouldn’t have happened!

In case I haven’t told you all yet, Anna and Andrew are really made for each other, because Andrew’s lifetime want is to have 50 FIRST DATES.  I am SO tired of that crap!

“I’m so glad to meet you Ms. Steffi!  I’m sure you and I will be BFFs before this is all over!” ~Andrew

“You have to be %&$*#ing kidding me.” ~Steffi

“Well aren’t you just a strong, sexy man!” ~Andrew

Um, and so begins the long journey of cheating and and adultury that I’m sure his wife knows all to well anyway.

“Oh good lord, Swampfoot, wash your socks sometimes!  Damn!” ~Magnus

“Really?!  Like, OMG he’s old and that’s not hot at all!” ~Andrew

“Where am I?  I was teaching hot college girls strip-algebra and now I’m out in front of this smelly house!” ~Professor guy

“Waaah, my butt still hurts and I’m still just so emotionally scarred!!” ~Barnabas

“Really, you are still complaining about your little probing experience?  You are really ruining the moods for all of my dates over here.” ~Andrew

Be nice, Andrew.  Barnabas is apparently really hurt about all this.  Besides, you are ruining your own dates, not Baranbas!

“I just don’t think I will ever be happy again…” ~Barnabas

“*FART* Oh, that chili really burned that time.” ~Andrew

“Oh, hahaha!  Thanks Andrew.  You really know what to say to make a man feel better.” ~Barnabas

“Huh, what, what did I do?” ~Andrew

Slobs.  Entertaining slobs since 2004(ish).

“Oh!  Grampa, I’m pregnant!  Look at that!  You are going to be a great grandfather now!  And I’ve also lost all of my braids.  Uncool, pregnancy.  Uncool.” ~Anna

“NO!  Why is this happening?!  Why do I have to be related to that wannabe Andrew guy now!  This isn’t right!  I don’t want to be known as the other Andrew, I want to be THE Andrew, dammit!” ~Andrew

“Grampa seems to be taking this news very well.” ~Anna

“Boooo!  I’m not attracted to her manly bear face at all!” ~Barnabas

Good Barnabas, because in case you forgot, she’s your frickin’ great grand neice!

“So that red-headed guy that invited me into his house this morning?  He really knows how to kiss, doesn’t he?!” ~Professor guy

“You bet he does!  He is my husband after all!” ~Anna

“Oh… awkward…” ~Professor guy

“Bah!  You won’t be kissing me anytime soon, Anna, you ugly cow” ~Barnabas

Are you still on that, Barnabas?!

“I’m so happy for you, Anna!  You are going to be a great father mother!” ~Barnabas

“Thanks Barnabas!  I’m sure one day you will be a great father too.” ~Anna

“Speaking of being a parent, look at this!  I suddenly found out that I’m going to have a baby too!  Speak of the devil!” ~Barnabas

“…Ok, that’s weird.” ~Anna

“Hi there little baby!  I’m your daddy’s baby buddy!  So glad to meet you little one!” ~Anna

“AH! NO! BLEH!  Don’t touch my baby bump!  MY baby bump!” ~Barnabas

“But, Barnabas!  I let you touch on mine!  Why the sudden attitude problem?!” ~Anna

I see the overprotecting parenting suddenly coming out.  What made you change your mind from not wanting this kid, huh Barnabas?

“Like, totally dubuyou-tee-eff! I’m also pregnant!  I’m going to be, like, the greatest mother out of the three of us!” ~Andrew

… If by pregnant you mean stuffed on rotten chili and fish, then yes, you are heavily knocked up.

After finding out his darling ‘wife’ was with child, they settled down for a nice evening nap, where Andrew drempt about the Professor guy the whole time.

I see nothing wrong with this photo.

“So, I met this chick on the street the other day, and I think she digs me.  She might even be your new grandma, Anna!” ~Andrew

“Dad, I went to college, so I know I’m smart enough to know that you don’t stand a chance with a girl like that.” ~Anna

“I on the other hand, would tap that so hard…” ~Anna

“Yeah, she really was a smoking fox…” ~Andrew

You two are hopeless.

Andrew had finished getting his gold badge in gardening ages ago, so the garden has died a long time ago.  I actually just noticed it in the backyard for the first time in a while when I took this picture.

“All we wanted to do was have a chance to LIIIIIIIIVE” ~Strawberries and tomatoes

Yeah, blame Andrew on that one.

I tried to get Andrew interested in plants again by getting him to grow some pot flowers in the garage to get him in the groove to garden again.

“Stupid Andrew buttface jerk… I’ll show him!  My pot flowers will be more pretty than his!  Yeah, that will so totally show him!” ~Andrew

Needless to say, they both forgot about their garage flowers and they all died

On the other side of the garage, Zion spends all his time with the candy machine, because he doesn’t stand a chance at getting his last few promotions at this rate.

Pretty much because I don’t pay attention to him because he’s boring, and because of THIS

“OMNOMNOM CANDY SO GOOD” ~Zion

See, this is why you get fat all the time, Zion.  You pig.

“How can I honestly paint your portrait in these conditions!  This is stupid and I hate having to do this all the time!  Draw your own damn protrait you $&#@!!” ~Barnabas

“Like, OMG what is wrong with you, Barnabas?” ~Andrew

“This stupid thing!  I HATE it!  It’s crooked and I REFUSE to paint on a DAMN CROOKED EASEL!  SCREW THIS!” ~Barnabas

Sounds like someone is getting a little hormonal.

Unlike someone else who seems to be taking it in stride.

“Lalala, I love the fish, lalala it’s so nice out today, here fishies time for your din-dins!” ~Anna

*The sound of pellets landing on ice*

Um, Anna, I don’t think you need to be out in that kind of weather without a jacket on.  I don’t know, that might just be me <_<

“Um, think you could move out of my way and let me have at the trash compactor?” ~Remington

“PFFT, please.  Apparently you forgot who you are talking to.  You are talking to Gina, heiress extrordinare, and you are going to have to wait on your turn at the trash compactor whether you like it or not!” ~Gina

“Sigh.  *drops trash on floor and walks away*” ~Remington

“My word, our neighbors are building up their trashpiles as well!  We must build up or supply and go to WAR” ~Andrew

Trust me Andrew.  I don’t think the neighborhood’s trash is going to threaten your own anytime soon.

“So, did you know that I once went to college meself?” ~Gina

“Yes Gina.  You tell me this, like, everytime you are in the same room as me.” ~Andrew

“Well, it was a really great time that year for that college!  I don’t think they ever had as great of a student as I was ever since I graduated!” ~Gina

“Uh, hey, over here guys!  I think I’m going into labor over here!” ~Anna

“Yes, I’m SURE the college has been sooooo boring since you left.” ~Andrew

“I think you are just being sarcastic now!  You don’t understand!  I MADE that college what it is today!  I am the greatest graduate that college has ever had!” ~Gina

“Now you are just being redunant.” ~Andrew

“OH GOD GUYS COME ON AND HELP ME OVER HERE AND STOP TALKING ABOUT THAT #*$&!!” ~Anna

“Oh crap what did I walk in here to?!” ~Barnabas

“OH GOD I SEE THE HEAD!” ~Anna

“IS THIS WHAT CHILDBIRTH LOOKS LIKE?! $&@^ THIS!!” ~Barnabas

No, Barnabas.  Take a good look at this, this will be you in a few hours.

“Oh look, I found a nickle on the floor!” ~Anna

“Honey baby?  I, well, might be right but, like, do you think that you should get our baby’s head out of the wall?”  ~Andrew

Meet Courtney Collins.  She’s named after Courtney Love, Kurt Cobain’s widow.  I think she qualifies as a gold-digger very much.  Because does anyone remember who she was before she married Kurt?  Her music career?  I didn’t think so.

“Hmm, she looks qualified enough to inherit the heirship from me.” ~Gina

So you smother her with the pillow?

“Hmm, nope she’s fine.  Now if anyone needs me, I’ll be watching Mime Cat downstairs.” ~Gina

“Can’t… breathe…” ~Courtney

Meanwhile no one else is watching Gina watch the baby (was a terrible idea to begin with, I’m sure) because Andrew and Andrew were fighting downstairs, who the hell knows what Zion does, and Barnabas was no longer too pissy to paint portraits.

“I request to be posed like Bruce Campbell on the Army of Darkness poster, with a really hot chick at my ankles… matter of fact, make that two.” ~Anna

“And I request you shut the hell up and let me do this my way!” ~Barnabas

Ok, so maybe he’s still a little pissy.

See?  Like I said, they are fighting.

“I SAW THE COMPUTER FIRST” ~ Andrew (I)

“I WAS TOTALLY ON IT YOU BRUTE” ~Andrew (II)

“Boys, boys, stop it!  Now unless you are fighting over me, we don’t need this in this house!” ~Gina

“HAH!  I won you loser!  Now get out of my sight you big pansy!” ~Andrew (I)

“Wah!  That was totally unfair!  You pulled my hair you bitch, that’s the only reason you won!  I’m telling my husband wife on you!” ~Andrew (II)

Both of you are being girls about this whole argument thing, grow up boys.

“I finally finished the portrait, but I don’t think the baby approves of the painting!  OW!  I’m really in a lot of pain in here!” ~Barnabas

“Oh look at that, there’s a nickle on the ceiling!” ~Anna’s Portrait

“OH THE PAIN I DON’T HAVE THE ORGANS FOR THIS” ~Barnabas

“Oh!  *Snicker* What ever shall we do? Hee hee *snort*” ~Gina

“AT LEAST PRETEND TO CARE GINA OWWW” ~Barnabas

And it’s a boy!  Barnabas named him Zenith, named after the highest point a celestial body can go.  That and it looks like the name Kenneth because LOL.

“NO!  Now there won’t be a chance for a spare to be born in case Courtney sucks!” ~Zion

Oh ye of little faith.  I think you don’t give Courtney the recognition she just might deserve.  And plus you suck Zion, your opinion isn’t even wanted.

Zenith sleeps with his daddy, and whether or not his whiney butt keeps Barnabas up at all hours of the day or not is yet to be determined.

Next time, will Zenith be a good baby, or a hell on earth?  Will Courtney be good enough for the sole shot at heirship, or does Andrew need to die off for a spare to be added just in case?

Now, let’s go back to see about Linda and the others, as Sabrina finally finds where they live and attempt to take W.D. back right quick.

Not quite sure how threatening your evil lair can be with two jars of butterflies in the front yard though.  Stupid zombies.

“To make it better, no one remembered to lock the front door.  So much for defending the fort.” ~Sabrina

“Alright bitches, WHERE is she and what have you done with her?!” ~Sabrina

“-So like I said I told her that she couldn’t keep a job because she wouldn’t stop talking on the phone with her boyfriend and after they threw her lazy butt out of her office she wanted to come complaining to me like I cared but-” ~Linda

“EXCUSE ME.  I’M TALKING OVER HERE.” ~Sabrina

“I want to know what you did to my dog, and where she is, RIGHT NOW.  And so help me if there is ANYTHING wrong with her, your death will be slow and painful!  You HEAR ME, Linda?!” ~Sabrina

“Oh Sabrina.  About time you managed to get past my guards and find us in our evil lair!” ~Linda

“…We have guards?” ~Brittany

“Oh, and don’t worry, your doggie is safe… for now.  And you don’t have to worry about where she is, you are about to join her for yourself soon enough…” ~Linda

“What are you blabbering abou-” ~Sabrina

“I DON’T KNOW WHY BROOKE IS SO MEAN TO ME” ~Tara

“Ooh, is this the part where we come in and eat the brains?!” ~Marion

“LET’S KICK HER BUTT” ~Brooke

“I’M WITH YOU!” ~Elise

“This is going to be so much fun!” ~Marion

“Oh… SHI-” ~Sabrina

“Little do you stupid zombies know, I maxxed out my body YEARS ago!  FACE MY WRATH YOU UGLY WALKING GARBAGE HEAPS” ~Sabrina

“Boss, it’s no good, she’s killing us out there!  Again!” ~Brooke

“Don’t worry, you are doing great out there!  Everything is going according to plan…” ~Linda

“HAH!  And that’s the last of them!  Who wants a piece of me now!” ~Sabrina

“Oh, my leg!  I think it snapped off…” ~Elise

“WOO!  That was AWESOME!  Do it again!” ~ Unknown slob Jane

“Oh lord the brutality!” ~Brittany

“HAH!  You’ve fallen for my trap!  I new the wimpy zombies would be no match for you, so I bought THIS!” ~Linda

“What, the SimVac?  You really think that thing is going to sto-” ~Sabrina

“OK THIS HURTS WORSE THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD HOLY CRAP” ~Sabrina

“…So that was your plan all along?  To just take her aspiration points away?  Jeez, Linda, that was a really weak plan.” ~Brittany

“Not JUST take her points away, you imbecile!  I took her points, AND kept her destracted long enough to have my zombies take her to the cell in the back!  We got her right where I want her, Brittany…” ~Linda

“Ugh, where am I?  What’s going on?  And how did I end up on the floor?” ~Sabrina

 

“W.D?!  Is that YOU?!  Oh, long have you been in here?!” ~Sabrina

“Long enough…” ~W.D.

So we leave it there for now.  Will this blood feud come to an end soon?!  Maybe!